In Part 1 (a blog post I created a few days ago), I talk about how, due to feelings of inadequacy, self-hate for my body and who I was, I found myself all alone one night, ready to commit suicide. Let me tell you how I got to that point:
I’m Trainer Andi.
My entire life I struggled with my body image. Not necessarily that I looked a certain way, but more the idea that I felt trapped in a body that didn’t reflect how I saw myself, or how I wanted others to see me.
My older, gorgeous sister has always had a beautiful, slender body that could pull off all the cutest, most current clothes, and had the confidence to go with it.
Then there was me: in “mom clothes” at 14 years old.
I would steal my sister’s clothes and change into them at school before class started, then come home to her yelling from the roof tops that I stretched her clothes out…. Again.
The thing is, I didn’t really care to put any work in to change my appearance. I thought, “this is the body God gave me.”, and that was that.
It wasn’t until high school came and my mom’s dad was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes that my parents started really encouraging me to change my lazy, passive lifestyle.
I was surprisingly all for it! I signed up for aerobics at school and figured out that I actually loved sweating and the endorphins that came with it.
After high school graduation, a series of events lead me to a new career. I discovered Zumba Fitness ® and certified as an instructor.
I became interested in lifting and endurance and certified in even MORE class formats as well as an ACE Personal Training certification.
All was awesome. I was married, orange from constant spray tans, skinny and “hot”. LOL.
Things changed though when I became pregnant.
I loved pregnancy, and stayed OVERLY active throughout my pregnancy. I taught Zumba classes 20+ hours per week. (insanity. Sheer insanity.)
Once baby Ashton was born, I took a look in the mirror, and realized my body wasn’t the same as it was before.
I didn’t “bounce back” the way everyone said I would. In fact, I bounced the completely opposite direction.
I hated what I saw, and even felt a twinge of resentment toward my baby, and my husband for “making this happen” to me.
I began to notice a change in my moods and attitude.
I was overly protective of my baby, and didn’t want anyone touching him.
I hated being around others and made excuses to never see anyone. You guys, I was completely not myself.
I was 100% going through a very real postpartum depression, and I told no one. I was too embarrassed.
It went on for nearly a year. I was fighting an angry battle with myself: hating my body, and not eating because I was too tired, and too sad.
I was aggressive in workouts and even small things would set off my rage or tears.
I ended up alone in my living room, at 2 am facing suicide.
My husband and my Heavenly Father saved me that night. My family and community rallied around me and I realized something had to change. I had to change.
Over the next year, after a lot of research, medical help, and the birth of another baby (my cute chunky, Cohen), I was able to figure out the things I needed to do in order to make that change. I took action and put them into practice.
These things eventually ended up being the biggest factors in helping me to lose 60 lbs, 20% body fat, and overcome my depression.
Stay tuned for part 3 of 3: The 3 Secrets that helped me lose 60 lbs and become my happiest and healthiest self.