How Did I Get So Far Off?

In Part 1 (a blog post I created a few days ago), I talk about how, due to feelings of inadequacy, self-hate for my body and who I was, I found myself all alone one night, ready to commit suicide. Let me tell you how I got to that point:

I’m Trainer Andi.

My entire life I struggled with my body image. Not necessarily that I looked a certain way, but more the idea that I felt trapped in a body that didn’t reflect how I saw myself, or how I wanted others to see me.

My older, gorgeous sister has always had a beautiful, slender body that could pull off all the cutest, most current clothes, and had the confidence to go with it.

Then there was me: in “mom clothes” at 14 years old.

I would steal my sister’s clothes and change into them at school before class started, then come home to her yelling from the roof tops that I stretched her clothes out…. Again.

The thing is, I didn’t really care to put any work in to change my appearance. I thought, “this is the body God gave me.”, and that was that.

It wasn’t until high school came and my mom’s dad was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes that my parents started really encouraging me to change my lazy, passive lifestyle.

I was surprisingly all for it! I signed up for aerobics at school and figured out that I actually loved sweating and the endorphins that came with it.

After high school graduation, a series of events lead me to a new career. I discovered Zumba Fitness ® and certified as an instructor.
I became interested in lifting and endurance and certified in even MORE class formats as well as an ACE Personal Training certification.

All was awesome. I was married, orange from constant spray tans, skinny and “hot”. LOL.

Things changed though when I became pregnant.

I loved pregnancy, and stayed OVERLY active throughout my pregnancy. I taught Zumba classes 20+ hours per week. (insanity. Sheer insanity.)

Once baby Ashton was born, I took a look in the mirror, and realized my body wasn’t the same as it was before.

I didn’t “bounce back” the way everyone said I would. In fact, I bounced the completely opposite direction.

I hated what I saw, and even felt a twinge of resentment toward my baby, and my husband for “making this happen” to me.

I began to notice a change in my moods and attitude.

I was overly protective of my baby, and didn’t want anyone touching him.

I hated being around others and made excuses to never see anyone. You guys, I was completely not myself.

I was 100% going through a very real postpartum depression, and I told no one. I was too embarrassed.

It went on for nearly a year. I was fighting an angry battle with myself: hating my body, and not eating because I was too tired, and too sad.

I was aggressive in workouts and even small things would set off my rage or tears.

I ended up alone in my living room, at 2 am facing suicide.

My husband and my Heavenly Father saved me that night. My family and community rallied around me and I realized something had to change. I had to change.

Over the next year, after a lot of research, medical help, and the birth of another baby (my cute chunky, Cohen), I was able to figure out the things I needed to do in order to make that change. I took action and put them into practice.

These things eventually ended up being the biggest factors in helping me to lose 60 lbs, 20% body fat, and overcome my depression.

Stay tuned for part 3 of 3: The 3 Secrets that helped me lose 60 lbs and become my happiest and healthiest self.

XOXO,
Trainer Andi

4 Comments

  • Tina

    Reply Reply December 18, 2016

    You are truly inspiring! For the first time in my life and I should be thankful for this because is the first time, I’ve hit a roadblock because after getting my bachelors and Masters I am no longer working to have a disability with my back. So I want to start exercising But I am too depressed.

  • Deborah Lees

    Reply Reply December 18, 2016

    I am Type 2 Diabetic on all kinds meds would love to loose 30 lbs I currently workout tried every diet out there they work for a while then back to zero…

  • Debbie

    Reply Reply December 19, 2016

    Thank you for sharing. You are a brave, strong woman. I am totally relating to your story. I can only hope that one day there will be victory for me.

  • gina

    Reply Reply December 19, 2016

    Dear Andi,

    I am weeping right now, for one, what a beautiful story of hope. Secondly, I can so identify. I hate my body right now and I’m super angry about the changes that are happening. I just turned 50 and I had that cute, thin body that bounced back from 4 pregnancies…in my early 20’s granted. Fast forward 25 years, last year I had a hysterectomy and I’m not the same person. Regardless of keeping my ovaries and not being on hormones, my body has bulges and bumps like never before, and let’s not get into my appetite. About 6 months ago I came across flat abs and joined. I was gung ho…for about 2 months. I’ve been struggling ever since. I definitely need a push, or shove or a firm kick in the pants! I love that I still receive emails from you and that the group doesn’t give up on anyone! Thank you for sharing! God bless you and I can’t wait for part 3 of your story! ❤

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