I couldn’t take it anymore. Through tears and muffled words, I used all my strength to say the words that saved my life.
Standing over my sleeping husband, I whispered, “Scott… wake up… I need to go to the hospital…Now.”
He woke up startled. It was two in the morning, and here I was, wrapped in a blanket, with a tear streaked, swollen eyes, begging for relief. I needed relief from the pain of inadequacy. Relief from life.
He sat me down on the bed in our small, dark, basement apartment. He took me in his arms and let me cry as I explained my plan and desperation to end my life.
I had spent the entire night fighting demons that were telling me that I was a failure, I would never be good enough, I would never look the way I thought I should, and it was just time to stop trying, and give up. Suicide was the only way.
I had spent the entire year before that night fighting feelings of inadequacy, self-hate for my body and who I was, and doing so by myself. This inner battle with depression I’d been fighting for so long was winning, and I was letting it.
This same battle, this same pain led me to pulling out all my prescription medications, with a line-up of my best knives to finish me just in case the pills didn’t.
My husband, my amazing man calmed me down, reassuring me that I’m important, and needed.
He went to the kitchen and cleaned up my mess of medications and hid the knives.
He came back and gently put his hands on my head and prayed over me. He prayed with all the feeling of heart to help me feel God’s love for me, his love for me and just any love for me.
He held me until I fell asleep, and through the rest of that dark, awful night.
We knew that the only thing that could help me at this point was support of family, a team of doctors, and my Heavenly Father.
This was back in 2013. Unless you’ve seen me tell it live, you’ve probably never heard my story. And even if you have, I’ve never really shared a lot of the details about my weight loss journey.
A lot of people look at people who have lost weight like myself, and all they see is how we are now. However, I know how it feels to be struggling and trying to figure out how to transform your body. I’ve always tried to be transparent with people about this, because if you want transformation there’s a big price to pay, and I’m going to share some of the prices I’ve paid.
So what was it that got me to this awful point? Stay tuned for Part 2: Body image…babies…backstory.
PS – Feel free to leave a comment below and let me know what you think.