I couldn’t take it anymore. Through tears and muffled words, I used all my strength to say the words that saved my life.
Standing over my sleeping husband, I whispered, “Scott… wake up… I need to go to the hospital…Now.”
He woke up startled. It was two in the morning, and here I was, wrapped in a blanket, with a tear streaked, swollen eyes, begging for relief. I needed relief from the pain of inadequacy. Relief from life.
He sat me down on the bed in our small, dark, basement apartment. He took me in his arms and let me cry as I explained my plan and desperation to end my life.
I had spent the entire night fighting demons that were telling me that I was a failure, I would never be good enough, I would never look the way I thought I should, and it was just time to stop trying, and give up. Suicide was the only way.
I had spent the entire year before that night fighting feelings of inadequacy, self-hate for my body and who I was, and doing so by myself. This inner battle with depression I’d been fighting for so long was winning, and I was letting it.
This same battle, this same pain led me to pulling out all my prescription medications, with a line-up of my best knives to finish me just in case the pills didn’t.
My husband, my amazing man calmed me down, reassuring me that I’m important, and needed.
He went to the kitchen and cleaned up my mess of medications and hid the knives.
He came back and gently put his hands on my head and prayed over me. He prayed with all the feeling of heart to help me feel God’s love for me, his love for me and just any love for me.
He held me until I fell asleep, and through the rest of that dark, awful night.
We knew that the only thing that could help me at this point was support of family, a team of doctors, and my Heavenly Father.
This was back in 2013. Unless you’ve seen me tell it live, you’ve probably never heard my story. And even if you have, I’ve never really shared a lot of the details about my weight loss journey.
A lot of people look at people who have lost weight like myself, and all they see is how we are now. However, I know how it feels to be struggling and trying to figure out how to transform your body. I’ve always tried to be transparent with people about this, because if you want transformation there’s a big price to pay, and I’m going to share some of the prices I’ve paid.
So what was it that got me to this awful point? Stay tuned for Part 2: Body image…babies…backstory.
XOXO,
Trainer Andi
PS – Feel free to leave a comment below and let me know what you think.
16 Comments
Nicole
December 16, 2016Oh Andi! I had tears in my eyes reading this. Seeing you now with that gorgeous smile you would never know you went through this! I feel like you are speaking directly to me. You are definitely not alone with your past of feeling like a failure. I battle with depression too and feeling like I’ve failed on so many levels. No one knows or can see it because I can hide it really well. I feel like I can handle it but there are days where I don’t think I can. THANK YOU for sharing your story and making me see that I can get through this. You’re just amazing! I can’t wait to see part 2.
Lara Young
December 16, 2016Wow Andi,
You are a rock star! Can’t wait to start the challenge. Though I have never been suicidal I can relate to your feelings of failure and depression. You are brave and helping so many people by sharing this. Thank You!
Denise Jordan
December 16, 2016I really enjoy your stories and like you i like to help people. But i am not sure if you are charging for this. Good lucky.
Ingabe
December 16, 2016I can only say: thank you for sharing this… It means a lot to know that someone else has gone through that and has overcome! You are so inspiring… May God bless you beyond your expectations????????????????
Gina
December 16, 2016Hi Andy, thank you very much for sharing your story I am motivated.You are answers to my prayers, God’s send help for me. I am pretty much on the same spot where you were in 2013, with same motive and faith in my Heavenly Father to be the best mom and wife He wants me to be. Praying everyday to show me the way to get rid of this obesity and live life in His fulness. I am blessed with very supportive husband and two beautiful daughters. Praise God. I am all in for your 15 days challenge. please help me.
Rebecca
December 16, 2016Thank you for sharing your story.
2 Years ago…. I had the strength, courage to finally tell my story of abuse. If you are familiar with the story of David’s daughter – Tamar — so many similarities to mine and so pain filled! And feeling as if I was trapped in the “back room” of Absalom. BUT no more – no longer in that back room!
Lots of internal feelings of not being good enough, not worthy of ‘right’, never measuring up, BUT part of “healing” emotionally is also healing physically and taking care of not just the emotional scars but being healthy – so thank you for being transparent enough to share.
Hit home today- needed it!
Christy
December 16, 2016Thank you for sharing I needed to see this today.
Nancy
December 16, 2016Asking for help was the first show of your amazing strength
Noelle Harris
December 16, 2016I love that you shared this story Andi!!! I am 43 years old, married with two children. I have let myself go from a size 4/6 to a 12 ….. I am struggling to lose all the weight I have gained!!!! My mom is battling cancer and now is at stage 4!!! I am on sertraline and high blood pressure medication. I function but I struggle to be happy with my body.
Do you have any advise for the holidays??? What should I be eating to help! Thank you so much, you are an inspiration…. I did sign up for the Jan 3rd 15 day challenge. The other problem is we r on one salary and I can’t afford classes or the gym. I know longer run due to a disk in my back. I love your hit training and I’m ok with it. Appreciate any advise.
Best Regards,
Noelle
April
December 16, 2016Thank you for sharing your story it brought tears to my eyes knowing that you felt that low but thanking God that he brought you to wake up your husband before you went through with it. God is good! Thank God for your husband who prayed for you that night and was just what you needed to get through. I know that your story has and will touch so many that have struggled and fought this fight. It has to be hard to share something so personal yet you do it to help others. I hope this also helps you to continue on your path of helping others reach their goals. I sure appreciate your emails, tips and all! Look forward to hearing more of your story thanks for your courage! God bless you!
Bek
December 16, 2016Thanks for sharing your story Andi. You are certainly an encouragement and inspiration!
Erin J McKinney
December 16, 2016When everything in your life feels out of control and your body image is not good but it feels like the only thing you can control that is what I do. I feel like I don’t have control over most things in my life I just exist I hate everything about my life but I can control what goes in and out of my body, I have lost 40 pounds this year not a lot by some standers but enough to feel better. Maybe if I look good enough that will make me feel better maybe not but I can control that and I have for the last year I have. Sometimes it’s enough sometimes it’s not but that is all I feel like I actually have control of.
Michelle
December 17, 2016Andi,you are truly an inspiration. I already love you and your workouts, now I just love you even more. I always look forward to “working out with you”.
Thank you for your honesty and for all you do help each of us to be the best version of ourselves.
Merry Christmas to you and your family! ❤
WJ B
December 17, 2016I would never admit this out loud …. but I feel those thoughts throughout my life a lot, thoughts of ways to end things, and who would really care…or how would my family move on….
Became a heavy drinker, made things worse, tried a lot of medication form anxiety to depression, now stopped everything. I am taking herbal vitamins to treat those same symptoms, trying to do ‘right’ by myself. But those demons leark behind every door….
I am inspired by truthful, heartfelt stories…knowing my depression may never actually end; but the periods of darkness will always have window showing light, if not to open but to see thru and realize life can be worth IT!
I hate that I think body image is a big focus, because I know when I have felt I look like I am in the best shape of my life….I still feel alone and low.
I think I keep the exercise going because chemically it makes my MIND feel good.
Why are we so hard on ourselves? Now I fear my daughter feels those same insecurities….did I pass this on to her!?
I look forward to hearing more of your story.
I too signed up for the January free classes.
Milissa Elliott
December 17, 2016What a BEAUTIFUL example of transparency and Gods AMAZING love!! I am excited to share this journey with someone I already feel as if I have so much in common with! God Bless you and yours!
Lisa Johnson
December 25, 2016Did you have to get put on medication? or have you been able to help your depression naturally? I ask because I’m in recovery and have been on and off antidepressants for more than 12 years. You are such an inspiration!! Never apologize in fear of offending any of us with your love for God. With God ALL things are possible!! You are a light Andi!!
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